Forget About It [Episode 4]
In this episode, I’ll share how letting go of the position to get back at my dad allowed me to see the love that was always there.
I witnessed my parents get divorced over my dad’s infidelity. After that, I stopped speaking to my dad. I was determined to find a way to “get back at him.” Eventually, I shut it all down and became someone who labeled themselves as having “no dad.” It wasn’t until 2004 — 10 years later — that I started trying to remember what I was even mad about.
I share the feeling of allegiance to my mom and how that pain caused me to express resentment and hate toward my dad, and suppress love in the process. I illustrate our first conversation in a decade during my brother’s wedding and how there was so much relief in that moment — I realized it took so much time and energy to be mad at him. I share how we began to heal our relationship, including him joining my whole family at my wedding. I also share the last conversation we had before he died, and how that created a beautiful shift in my perspective about our relationship.
During the 10 years that I didn’t speak to my dad, I had to actively ignore the love and pretend it didn’t exist. I now understand that my allegiance to my mom was my codependent creation that I thought was love, but it was actually the opposite. While painful, my dad and I were able to open love back up. At one point, I didn’t actually believe it or feel it, but the love stays. Being right is an illusion. Love is all that matters.
Thank you for listening and thank you to my podcast producer Media Midwife Ahri Golden for helping me bring my story to life.
- My allegiance to my mom after my parent’s breakup
- Seeing my dad again at my youngest brother’s rehearsal dinner
- Our father-daughter reunion at my wedding
- The last conversation we had before my dad died
- Realizing that “the love stays”
- Gratitude for my blood dad’s contribution to my DNA
- Maturity about my parent’s marriage being none of my business
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